You’re about to discuss something that is near and dear to your heart. Emotions have been running high and will likely continue due to the gravity of the event. Examine your intent in your conversation.
Is it to elicit change?
Is it to help your loved one feel supported?
Or is it a way to express your anger?
Usually the third option leads to the person experiencing shame or feeling inferior. If this is the case, please process this with a friend, family member, or therapist before discussing it with your loved one. You don’t want to say something you’ll regret later and does not communicate your true intentions.
When to Have the Conversation
Do not approach your loved one for a conversation when your emotions are running high. It will only trigger the fight or flight response and defenses will come up. Also, do not speak with your loved one when they have been consuming substances.
It’s best to choose a setting that’s conducive to opening up. For some, this means going on a walk or talking in the car. These are environments where eye contact isn’t necessary which can be intimidating for someone who is discussing a situation in which they might be experiencing shame.
The Conversation
Describe the situation
Stay focused on the topic at hand. When situations are emotionally charged, it can be easy to become sidetracked. It will be easy to discuss issues that have been building for years.
Express concern using “I” Statements
This is where it is appropriate to share your emotions and observations. Refrain from “you” statements which increase the defensiveness in the other party. Start with the “I” statements such as “I feel…” “I notice/d…” and “I need…” For example, “I feel scared and angry when I think I hear you closing down and pushing me away.”
Invite the person to share what their perspective and motivation is
Try to approach your loved one with compassion and the goal of understanding. Actively listen during this part. It’s important for the person to feel heard and not interrupted. The key is to lead the conversation to allow your loved one to shape what they define as a problem and what help looks like. Their idea of help may be drastically different than yours (we’ll get to that). Just remember intrinsic motivation, originating from himself, is ALWAYS stronger than extrinsic, originating from outside parties.
Some ideas of questions to open up conversation and encourage elaborations:
- Is this something that you view as a problem?
- How did you know that this was a problem for you?
- Tell me more about that. (you’re seeking more details and clarification)
- Help me understand your thought process and decision making that led up to [insert the situation].
(If they do not see it as a problem) What would have to change in your life to determine that [insert the situation] is a problem? - (If they acknowledge the problem) What would help look like to you and how can I support you?
Make wishes or request for behavior change
This is where you get to join in on what you think would be helpful. Again, aim for “I” statements not “you” statements. For example, “I’d like to see you attending therapy weekly” instead of “you need to go to therapy weekly.” Try to be as clear as possible here. Wishy washy requests are difficult to follow up on. Statements like “get your act together” are vague and not actionable. Our loved ones want to know specifically how they can help. They may not always be able to accommodate those requests due to a myriad of factors, but they want to know.
Set boundaries
You get to determine the boundaries you need regardless of their willingness to engage in the steps to make change. Setting boundaries keeps yourself emotionally safe and prevents enabling. An example of a healthy boundary is “I will no longer hang out with you at bars. I want to spend time together in sober fun activities.”
Set a time for follow up
Change doesn’t happen in one conversation. This is an ongoing conversation. Ask for a time you can follow up on the conversation and the action steps discussed in the conversation. Be specific and put that time on a calendar. Then make sure you follow up!
One of the most painful experiences is watching a person you love experience pain or be unwilling to help themselves. It can be easy to focus on eliciting change in the other person. I encourage you to take time for your own self-care. Take time away from the problem or situation. For some, stepping away may seem impossible. It may be time to see a therapist to help guide you and partner with you on this challenging journey. We can help. Get Started Now.
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